Don't Judge me: Meeting Miss Maggie

I've had a few moments lately in which I was feeling defensive. I did crazy two weeks ago... My mama madness got the better of me. And I decided to get a dog.

I'd been thinking about this for a while, and come up with LOTS of good reasons not to get a dog: I have five kids. I have food and environmental allergies. We have a busy schedule. Dogs take a lot of time and energy. I have THREE kids under eight. I have a mild allergy to dogs. We haven't had good luck with dogs in the past. Some of my friends kids are afraid of dogs. Our family lives far away, and it's expensive to board a dog when we travel. Still, I decided to just in with both feet.

And now we have Maggie.

From Maggie

So I feel a little defensive. Because our family "shouldn't" have a dog. But you know what? Whatever. I am completely utterly and intensely in love with this little girl. Who cares what other people think? I have made so many decisions outside the mainstream, rejecting one-size fits all parenting, infant feeding, birthing, and dietary ideas. What could be more mainstream than adopting a pet dog?

As I said, I am in love with her. We're still in the "honeymoon" period, but we are adapting wonderfully. Maggie is doing really we with house training. She's crying less and less in her crate at night. And I can't wait to get up and go walking with her in the mornings. All. By. My. Self.

More posts on doggie-pet parenting to come.

Introspective, Cold, and Thirsty.

I woke up this morning at 5:08 with a desperate need to have a drink of water, empty my bladder, and put on a sweater. I managed to disengage myself from my wee babe (er, 12 month old) after about 20 minutes, and now I am sitting here with a fuzzy shawl and cup of water all by myself, in my quiet house. I have another 10 minutes before I need to wake my oldest. I'm feeling very introspective this morning, thinking about what I want from today, this weekend, this year. On a broad, not at all goal specific train of thought, what do I want from life?

What do I want from life? I want to do things I love, and be around people I love. I want to read good books. I want to go out for coffee with friends. I want to watch movies with my husband. I want to talk with my kids, play games with them, and discuss their thoughts on the world. I want to walk in the woods, go hiking and camping. I want to create cool things with my hands. I want to listen to music that's too loud and dance like nobody is watching. I want to keep it all in perspective.

I also want a dog. This is crazy, of course. I have five children, my life is rather full. But I have been longing for a dog. I always had a dog growing up. Bandit was my first dog that I can remember. I think I was four when I asking my Grandpa to get me a dog. And guess what? He actually did. I think my mom was mad, but I don't know. My dad let me keep the crazy animal. There were other dogs, but my next dog was Lady. I loved her so much. She was a mutt, German Shepard and Rottie, and who knows what else. I left her with my sister and parents when I moved out because I couldn't take care of her. A few years ago we were visiting and she snapped at one of my kids. She was arthritic and in pain and one of the kids stepped on her. She didn't even bite, but that was it- My dad knew it was time. I still miss her.

About four and a half years ago we bought a dog for our own family. I was pregnant with our fourth child at the time. I saw an ad in the paper for a poodle mix, and decided to call on it. We went to visit and fell in love with those sweet puppies. In retrospect, we should never have looked at puppies from a newspaper ad. I am pretty sure that they were puppy mill dogs, and I am crushed that I contributed to that. We took Fuddzy home and loved him like crazy. We crate trained him and leash trained him. We did everything we could to socialize him to people and other dogs. We did puppy playtime and puppy kindergarten. Unfortunately, he seemed to have some doggie aggression and resource guarding issues, so we hired a trainer one-on-one for a few sessions. When we moved, the issues got worse. We hired another trainer, and started working more aggressively on his issues. We consulted his vet, and a friend who is a vet, and looked for solutions online.

We finally had to have Fuddzy put down. I was devastated. He bite my daughter and broke the skin. Can I just say again, I was devastated? I said I would never have another dog. I felt like a murderer. I loved Fuddz and wanted what was best for him. I'm still not sure that I did the right thing. I wonder, should I have rehomed him? We talked about it for weeks. Ultimately, we went to the vet because we just couldn't bring ourselves to take the risk that he might hurt another child, a smaller child.

I still grieve over that decision. Yet I find myself longing for another dog to share our lives with. I want my children to grow up with a dog. I want a companion to walk with and to sit with. I want a Fur-baby to hang out with that is going to stick around to cheer me up when I'm down for the next 10 or 20 years. I'm afraid I'm going to screw this up.

Special Moments and Socks

A list of those moments I treasure to balance out the confession that follows:

1. My sleeping baby/ toddler sighing contentedly with her head on my shoulder, warm and content.
2. My tot and her preschool age sister curled up together, holding hands while they sleep
3. My teenager tickling her brother to wake him up for school.
4. The look on my son's face when he discovered that I had bought Fruity Pebbles, and they were gluten free.
5. Building with Lego's.
6. Reading breakfast stories because we all woke up early enough.
7. Those 5 minutes of complete silence in the morning spent over a cup of hot coffee before I need to throw myself into action.
8. Children who rinse their breakfast dishes without needing to be asked.
9. A teenager who says her favorite at home snack is onions and greens with soy sauce.
10. Paper hearts drawn with care, with the message, I <3 you Mom and Dad.
11. The absolute glee in my tot's face when she realizes that not only is mom home, but she is Coming Up The Stairs to Pick me Up!! (Cue 1 year old happy screeching.)
12. A nine year old who can't wake up because she stayed up too late reading.

This morning I pushed myself hard to not only get up on time at 5:30, but throw myself in the shower in the hopes that I could wake myself up in a timely manner. I was Washed, deodorized, and dressed by 6:00. As I was pulling on my socks and shoes, I noticed my 13 year old's socks. Or more accurately, MY socks on my 13 year old's feet. This irritated me, as I had mentioned a few days ago that I really didn't want her to wear my socks because they are pretty expense and rather special to me. So I told her again. "I'd really like you not to wear my socks."

Cue loud voice.

"Hey, could you take your headphones off? I was trying to tell you something."

Negatory.

I repeat myself, using "I language" and reassert that the socks are special to me and also expense- I don't want to share them. At which point, I will admit, my buttons are thoroughly pushed, and I am pissed. These socks are around $8 a pair. They are wool and silk, and one of the few nice articles of clothing I own. They are the only socks I own that really help me maintain an even temperature- I get cold really easily, and it makes my whole body HURT. I've only seen them someplace other than Costco once. And right now, Costco doesn't have them in stock, so I can't buy more. I stomped off in a huff. "Well not you get a cranky mom first thing in the morning!"

I frequently apologize to my children. I want them to know that I know I am not perfect, and I am willing to admit my mistakes and make amends. I found myself thinking, "I should apologize her for yelling." Which is when I realized, I didn't want to apologize. I WASN'T sorry, I was still mad. Apologies need to be sincere or else they aren't worth the air to speak them. So I drank my coffee. I post a rant to some friends. And remember that it's okay to be mad, to have big feelings. And I also remember... I am in charge of my feelings, not my child.

Later we apologized to each other, me for yelling, and her for being rude to me. "After all," she said, "It was early and we were both cranky from just getting up."

Wow. Another special moment there. Such sweet kids I have.

Sometimes Motherhood is Hard.

I have this one relative. This relative is well meaning, but I always want to tell her to go f**k herself when we communicate online, and I have never been able to quite figure out why. This week I read this article, Don't Carpe Diem. You should go read it. Go on, I'll wait.

Done?

Okay, were you as wowed as I was? I mean, I was just, "Yes. Yes!" Sometimes being a mother is hard. Sometimes it is not fun. Sometimes you want to bitch about how much it sucks. Like right now? It's 6:35 and I have been up for an hour. I don't have to like every minute of this. 5:30 wake up? Sucks. I'll confess though- I like having done it, and I think in 15 years, I'll LOVE having done it. Maybe I'll even say that I loved every minute of it.

Or maybe not.

Also? For the record? I think I have this parenting thing pretty well under control. I actually think I am nominally good at it. If you don't get me, if you don't approve of me, if you think "if only she would just do x, then..." then just know, in my dark morning moments, I want to tell you to go f**k yourself. I'm allowed to have moments of weakness.

May I just say?

I am very tired. I stayed up late far too often while the kids were on break, and 5:30 am comes too early for my taste. Which is why I managed to pop in here- twice in one day! I need to give myself a pep talk. Baby is down for a nap, which allows me just a few minute to collect myself before I do the next thing.

I am delighted to say that in addition to getting my kids out the door on time this morning, with lunches, backpacks, and coats, I: picked my oldest up from band only a little late, went for a walk, came home, connected with each of my at-home kids for a few minutes, wrote a blog post, feed them a healthy slow-cooker lunch, took a catnap, and enjoyed an after cup of coffee (half-caf).

Now I am going to focus on the afternoon transition. That means checking in with my oldest (has she accomplished her goals for the morning and early afternoon for today?) before starting to set up for dinner and the at-school kids arriving home.

I'm so very blessed to have such a wonderful family.

Transitions and Table Time

Last week I had the good fortune to get to go out with a couple of friends for Mom's Night Out (aka MNO). We had coffee at Starbucks while out non-separating babies crawled around on the floor and treated to eat each other. When Starbucks closed, we were having too much fun to go home, so we went across the street and kept chatting while the babe's hung out in our slings. After I went home, I felt uplifted and inspired. The next day I was a wow-tired. I had an early appointment with my counselor, which turned out to be pretty emotionally difficult. So for the past week I've been doing a lot of reading and contemplating.

I've had a few a-ha! moments. I've been having a bit of a tough time making the transition from parenting a bunch of little kids, to parenting a mix of big and little kids. My oldest is a teenager now, and starting to spread her wings a little. This is surprisingly difficult for me. When my little one's were young, I felt most of the decisions I made were rather easy. I frequently co-slept because I got more sleep that way. I rarely offered spoon-fed baby meals because I wanted my kids to be in control of their eating habits. Now it is harder. The decisions feel like they have longer reaching effects.

So there's that. Another a-ha was this: I am not having much fun while homeschooling this go around. I like learning new things. I like reading and writing. I like exploring my world. So I had a heart to heart with my oldest, and then I had another one with the whole family.

My goal for the new year isn't really measurable. However, I really like it. I want to focus on living with intention. I don't want to just drift around, bumbling from one thing to the next. I want to really be engaged. I want to enjoy my life, my kids, my husband. I want to experience my world. Maybe I'll set out to enjoy the natural beauty in our area, the way the mom at A Home School Moms Hiking Blog did.

Back to the topic... I feel like I am making a transition from one phase of my life to another. This week I am trying to make this transition a positive one, in which I learn to set fair limits, care for myself and others, and really enjoy living. Today that meant a good cup of coffee, a walk in the morning damp, and when we got home, a little bit of table time (complete with quiet activities for my 13 and 3 year olds. And now, it's off to put my babe down for a nap.

Happy New Year to all my friends, and may all your hopes be realized.

Why can't I just sit down and write?

Every day this week I have tried to sit down and write. Guess what? I have five kids. I am not allowed to form a coherent thought. Ever.

So here goes.

I want to live with intention. I want to go to yoga, or pilates, or go walking, or do a bellydance dvd workout. I want to be healthy. I want to live with intention. I want to live in the moment, yet look forward to the future. I want to stay connected with my friends and family. I want to figure out this parenting thing.

Also, back on the writing thing... I have a bunch of blog posts and chapters of books that I want to comment on that I have found super thought provoking over the past few weeks, and I really want to share, but again, I have five kids and am not allowed to form thoughts that make sense. Or so it seems. Earlier this week I went out for MNO, got the baby asleep in the car, and then tried to open my laptop to write. Dear husband hadn't gotten the big kids to bed, so they came out and woke baby up. That's cool, I wanted to do bedtime.

And now baby is crying, so blog time at this mama's madness is over. Ha!

Christmas Eve Eve

It's December 23rd, or as I like to call it, "Christmas Eve Eve." Our family is a funny mix of atheist/ secular humanist and Roman Catholic/ touch of pagan. However, my husband and I both grew up with some fun secular Christmas celebrations, which we have chosen to continue.

We replaced our old (fake) Christmas tree and assembled it. I'll be honest- I rather wish I had gone out of my way to find a potted tree. Still, we'll decorate it together today, and start putting gift under it.

I'm finding, as my children get older, I become more introspective around Christmas time. I want to step back, and encourage my children to step back. I want to give my children gifts and see them delight in them. But at the same time, I want my kids to know just how blessed they are. I want to pour out some of our blessings onto a few who are more needy than we are. This image is haunting me...

And then there are these images...

I must confess, the delight of buying lovely, handcrafted, local gifts for family member was tainted by the sense that perhaps I wasn't doing enough to help others. I find it challenging to strike a balance in my heart.

On that melancholy note, I will go get my newly awake one year old, who is summoning me from our bedroom!

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate, and Warm Winter Wishes to those who do not.